Unemployed bum and holidays!

Hey....

Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time. I have been so busy.

M and I are heading back to Australia so our time has been busy packing, finishing work, planning holidays, closing accounts, seeing friends etc.

We finished work on Friday and had a very drunken farewell which showed me how many fantastic friends I had at work. And yes come midnight I was a mess in tears. Why does alcohol make you so emotional?

We then spent the weekend at a weeding in Basingstoke - lovely, packing and then I went to see Madonna last night with a close friend - fantastic. She is definately an entertainer.

Anyway as of tomorrow we are off travelling around Europe for a month, then back to London for 5 days and then home via US and Canada for a month. So we are now unemployed bums for over 2 mths! oh the hard life!

I will try to write travel updates as we go but not sure how the timing will go and access to the internet. I am sad to be leaving but know that it is time and I have let a lot go in relation to 7/7. Just in time - it has all come together. I had my last session with my psychologist last week which was emotional but I felt like it had all come to and end and it was time for me to move on.

Well I must go as we are staying at our friends so better go spend time with them before we take off. Some last words though:

To my KCU friends - you are the closest friends I will ever have and I am grateful to have known you all over the last year. You have all made my life more beareable and given me so much support, love and laughs.

To M - my inspiration, my rock, my love - thank you for all!

Take care
x

On my own

In the last month or so I have reversed back to not being able to get on the tube on my own. I had been doing so well, I was almost taking in what I was actually reading on the tube. I was stopping my safety behaviours.

But then I got stuck on 3 seperate occasions where the power went out. On 3 seperate lines over a 2 week period. The last time after the power went out I was then stuck in a tunnel for 5-10min. I just couldn't do it anymore, I got too scared to be stuck on the tube on my own. Even if it was just a power outage I did not want to be down in that dark tunnel on my own. Too many dark, horrible memories.

So M has been fantastic and a few close friends, catching the tube with me, changing his journey to be with me. Friends egging me back on, even if only with them. When I couldn't be with someone I would get the bus or not go to work at all, working from home. I would avoid Central London on weekends.

Today however was different, M was working in North London, friends in my area were not around. It was either the bus (1.5hrs) or tube on my own. I went to bed late so got up late, so missed the opportunity of the bus. I thought of calling KCU friends but decided I had to do this. So I kissed M and told him I loved him and set off down the tube.

I grabbed a metro to try and distract myself. Luckily the tube wasn't packed either when it pulled up. There were two guys with a spare seat in between them so I sat there, in the comfort of two burley men beside me! We set of, everything was going ok, I was pushing myself in my mind. Then after Holloway Road we kept stopping in the tunnel. A few trains in front had an incident so we were being held up. I kept wishing the tube not to stop in the tunnel and it did a few times but I pushed the bad thoughts away. I even thought one of the men beside me was going to get off before my stop. I was going to tell him not to leave me!!!

Finally arriving a Holborn, I made it! On my own! YAY! I text M, he replied, 'Well done Bumble Bee!' It was hard, the anxiety was strong but I managed, I have to keep doing it, it has to get easier. Fingers crossed now for the homeward journey.

x

Trying to move on

Well Friday just went by in a blur; much as I thought it would. I was up at 6.30am and not home till 10pm. Such a full and emotional day, however I had the support of my new friends; my fellow travelers; my lovely husband and a dear friend, B.
I felt so numb in the morning standing at Kings Cross with about 20 others. We said some prayers and read the names but I couldn't cry or feel any emotion. I was shocked that a year ago at that time I thought I was going to die. It was surreal. As we then left to lay flowers at a church nearby I got a text from my mum in Australia. Telling me how much she loved and missed me and was thinking of me. Well the tears from that point on came and went all day.
During the 2min silence I stood with my fellow survivors near Tavistock square. We had 20 helium balloons for each person on our train which we then let go at the end of the silence, that for me was so moving, a show that we will never forget them and they will always be in our hearts.
At the end of the day more of us gathered together in Regents Park. What a moving ceremony that was. Some of the bereaved got up to read poems, I don't know how they did it, I was in blubbering tears through the whole thing. Crying for me, for my friends in KCU, for the bereaved and for all who are affected by terrorism in this world. M sat there so lovingly through the whole thing holding my hand. He was holding back the tears, being strong for me. Thank you so much baby for being there, it meant the world to have you by my side.
M and I then ended the day together at our favourite Chinese restaurant near home. It felt right having it just him and I, talking and reflecting, thinking positive for the future.

I then went away for the weekend with M and Holly. It was lovely. We did absolutely nothing but sleep, eat, drink and walk on the beach. I so didn't want to come back to London on Monday. It was such a bolt back to reality.

I am trying to move on and be positive but it is hard. I am going through a wave of emotions from numbness then to tears. Then the bombings happened in India. What is this world coming to? I have this strong feeling that things will get worse before it gets any better and that makes me so scared and sad. Why do people think senseless killing is the answer? I wish I had the answer to be able to reach these people before they decide to strap bombs to themselves. Do they really believe doing this will make them martyrs?

A promise I made a few months ago, was to live each day in the memory of my fellow travelers that didn't make it out on July 7th. To be positive and to move forward, I am trying and I know I will find it eventually. The support of KCU, M, family and friends is making sure I reach that. I wish the same messages could be passed to those committing senseless crimes.

x

It's happened

Ok second time lucky. I wrote a whole entry and then it got lost in cyber space!

I am back there again, it's all I can think about. It's all I can do. I am having trouble sleeping, I cannot concentrate at work, I am tired, I am snappy.

In the back of my head I know it's not the same, I am not crying every day although I feel like it. I cried with the psychologist last week and I could have just continued but I have held it all back. I have held it back from work and from M and my friends. My fellow survivors know, we have all spoken about it and have written about it.

The anniversary is almost here and I cannot believe it's been a year. God the year has seen so much. I think every day about how I feel and then my mind turns to the bereaved. How must they feel? A year since they saw their loved one, laughed with them, hugged them. Can they believe it's been a year? My heart goes out to them as I am still here. I still write about my story and I am doing interviews.

I do them in the hope to reach out to others, with any kind of trauma. No one should be alone when they feel like this. If it helps one person find counselling or KCU then it has been worth it and I am one step closer to feeling less guilt and sadness.

I am glued to the BBC website. They have started writing stories about survivors and bereaved one year on, also about everyone's thoughts now on Muslims. Why do I keep reading it all? It's not helping. Work keeps entering my email inbox, I see it pile up but yet I sit on BBC and read other news forums and consume my thoughts with more 7/7 stories.

I am hoping Friday will be a time for me of reflection and peace. The day I feel will go by in a blur and I will sit at the end of it not feeling any different. I am away on the weekend with a fellow survivor; away at her parents cottage. I look forward to it I think more than Friday. As I know we will laugh and be there for eachother. I look forward to her and M being together and him seeing the great friend I have made through this horrible experience.

I found them in the darkness, we have laughed together, cried together, supported eachother and it is this that keeps me going. It is this that I organise Friday for, it is this that stops me from crying. The bonds now shared, the friendships now formed.

So to Friday...I hope it brings us all peace and comfort. I will stand beside my fellow KCU survivors at 8.50 and at 12pm for the 2min silence. We will support eachother, I will think of the day and how far we have come. I will wish for nothing like this to ever happen to anyone ever again. I will think of all suffers of terrorism and trauma.

xx

Two concerts, two countries, one weekend!

I have sat here many times to try and write something but nothing has come out. Well now I want to write about something happy....something that made me feel for the first time in almost a year completely and utterly joyous.

(please note...this entry is for humor and will show a side to me that I had before 7/7 and also to try and lighten the mood I am feeling right now.)

So last weekend I lived the life I should be living and appreciated every second. I got along to two concerts in two different countries.

First (and must I say THE most important) was Robbie Williams (or as I call him Sex on Legs!!) in Dublin. I have wanted to see him for so long. I have admired pictures, posters and song clips of him now I got the chance to admire him in person. And must I say...so much better in the flesh ;-) So I fly over with some friends and land to a beautiful sunny warm day in Dubbers. We leisurely walk around town, get some lunch, sit in the sun and listen to buskers. We then met another friend living there and go back to hers for drinks.
So 5.30pm and off to the concert we go. I literally think I am going to wet myself with excitement. We quietly watch the support acts, waiting for the main attraction. It's 8.45pm and he appears up through the stage in the crowd...oh god! The biggest smile appears across my face and I just float with happiness and joy. I send many texts to M telling him of my happiness. I took so many pics and recordings on my camera. The best video recording is at the beginning where we are waiting for him to appear, the minute he does you just hear me scream and the camera goes all wobbly from my jumping. I feel like such a school girl. I am laughing now while typing this.

It all ended way too quickly but I fell to sleep at my friends that night with warmth and ease; dreaming of the concert all night long.

The next morning we were up early again back to London, this time for Bon Jovi. M came along to this one with me. So I rushed home from the airport, showered and back on the train to Milton Keynes. We got there early and then just lazed in the sun together on the grass.
Just M and I together. It was lovely...chatting, cuddling, laughing. Still the smile has not disappeared. We listen to the support act - Nickleback, they were quite good. Then at at 8pm The Boys appear. Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora on the big screen...how can a girl not be happy?
I haven't heard all of their new album yet but I find myself still swaying to all of their songs. The old classics are played...but I wait with baited breath for one...Livin' on a Prayer. It's their last song (before the encore).
The crowd of thousands are jumping. Seems everyone was waiting for this moment. It's amazing to look out at the sea of people, all smiling and screaming for the same thing. Everyone knows the words, we all sing in unison.
The concert finished we head back to North London, my head hitting the pillow at midnight. On Sunday I am shattered but it's all worth it.

Thoughts and memories have started to play with mind again leading up to the anniversary. But how can a girl be unhappy when her dreams have come true.... two concerts, two countries, one weekend! Bliss!

x

Narrative

Ok so the narrative is out. I haven't read it all yet, it's all printed and waiting for me to read. I do have one question though already.

They say (the government) that having a public enquiry will take away police resources, money etc. However I have just read about the Afghan nationals that hijacked a plane, held people hostage for over 70hrs threatening to blow then up and kill people have been granted asylum here in England... WHAT???!!!

I then read about how much it has cost them -
£2.5 million for the four-day police operation,
£135,000 for the SAS marksmen,
£18,000 for the £200-a-night rooms and food for the hijack victims in an airport hotel,
£100,000 for hotel costs during the initial two-month inquiry,
£300,000 for the initial immigration inquiry into asylum applications,
£30 million for two Old Bailey trials, including 27 barristers and seven translators,
£1 million for appeals against conviction,
£120,000 for housing, benefits and education for the nine hijackers
£2.5 million for asylum appeals


Well where the hell did all this money and resource come from?? Oh that is right people like me who have had to pay to be in this country on a visa and who pay taxes every year but who get bombed on a train while going to work... and then get told I cannot have a public enquiry!

Right... Wrong???!!!
What do you think? I look forward to hearing peoples views on this.

By the way I would just like to add...I have spent the last 10mths trying to not get in political debates, questions etc. My views are mine and everyone has their own. Well I am sorry but enough is enough. I have had to battle this for too long and having the government sit and do nothing for 10mths is really starting to get up my goat!

x

Anger

I have been meaning to be a bit more positive in my posts however there is just one last sad thing that I need to touch on. I mentioned it before in my last post and it's about the anger I feel inside.

At my last psychologist meeting she advised that I should write a letter to the people I feel most angry at. God that is hard. If I think about it, there are a few. I don't know if I could do it, I guess it would be a positive step to take to try and release this anger from me and move into a more positive frame of mind.

Ok first of all I guess I am angry in some way at the bombers. Or is it just the whole of July 7th? I am not sure. Angry that it happened, Angry that someone thought this was the answer to get their point across, Angry that no one helped me in the aftermath, Angry that I am still dealing with this, Angry that there is no public enquiry, Angry that the government is not giving us answers and in the very least support, Angry that these thoughts will be with me forever, Angry that it has changed me and my life.

God now that I have started I think I could keep going for the next half hour. But i don't know if it will be effective. Will it give me release? Will it give me answers or the help I need? I know I need to get it out and deal with it but I am sick of having the thoughts go over and over and over in my mind.

I am angry at my father. Angry that he didn't talk to my mum or me for the first 3 days of my life - because I wasn't the boy he wanted, Angry that he wouldn't take any blame for my parents divorce, Angry that he made us supress our thoughts when growing up, Angry that he wouldn't let me see a psychologist after the severe car accident I was in with my mother, Angry that he used me as a pawn to try and get my mother back, Angry that he spat in my face, Angry that he wasn't a communicator, Angry that he expected others to change if they migrated to Australia but still after almost 50 years of him living there he doesn't change. Angry that he now knows I was in July 7th and hasn't called me.

I am angry that I can't bring myself to speak to him, to tell him all these thoughts. I haven't spoken to him in 3.5years. I think now (as I know how quickly life can end) that what if I never do. What if I get that call from sisters saying he passed away? How will I feel?

Through my psychologist meetings we have found that my negative thoughts on myself stem from my father. We were not allowed to have feelings and deal with them, not allowed to do bad things. If we got upset we couldn't talk about it. So this is why I couldn't deal with July 7th for so long, this is why M and I had problems last year. No communication.

But I broke the cycle, I will not be like my father and neither will my children. Communication and honesty is the key. Funny thing is I thought M was not supportive or didn't want to deal with me anymore at the end of last year. Since opening up and being honest with him our relationship has never been so great.

Reading over this now and thinking about it, is it really anger I feel? About July 7th and my father? I think it might be more dissapointment. In humanity that people think bombing is the answer and that my father will never change. Why can't you teach an old dog new tricks?

There are so many questions with no answers. Will there ever be a public enquiry to find out why? Will my dad ever realise he needs to take some blame? I'm tired now there are so many more thoughts, but maybe that is for tomorrow for the psychologist. Myself and 11 other survivors went to City Hall today to give our stories of July 7th and what can be learnt. It was a draining day but I think one we found successful. The assembly listened and were clearly bewildered by the stories they heard and what we have had to cope with on our own. I am so proud of my fellow survivors today. Well done - our first day to be heard!

Hopefully we can make a difference xx